HISTORY
and Ritual of E CLAMPUS VITUS
A NON
CLAMPER’S GUIDE TO CLAMPERDOM
by
Judge Frazier
Vice Noble Grand
Humbug, Lucinda Jane Saunders Chapter 1881
Material for this guide has been
gathered from various sources including liberally plagiarizing, stealing,
absconding, purloining, pilfering, looting and misappropriating the work of
others. Be that as it may, I believe it is reasonably accurate. It is
unsolicited, unofficial, unsanctioned, unblessed and unapproved. And, like
other perfectly good stories, it is subject to spoilage by an eye witness.
Credo Quia Absurdum
What is E CLAMPUS VITUS anyway?
And who, or what, are these men dressed in red shirts adorned with impressive
looking badges, pins and other strange items? Many things, really, but perhaps
some history would be helpful in order to better understand the organization
and its members who are known as CLAMPERS.
Back in the Gold Rush Days of
the mid-nineteenth century literally thousands of mining camps and towns
sprang up throughout the Sierra Nevada mountains and in neighboring
territories that now comprise the western states. A new town would appear
almost overnight at the mere rumor of a fresh strike. But as the gold or
silver petered out the mines closed, claims were abandoned and most of the
people moved on. What had been a thriving town was soon reduced to empty
buildings and a few hardy souls struggling for existence. Today many tiny
hamlets no bigger than a small dot on a seldom traveled back road map once
boasted an area population of fifteen or twenty thousand at its peak.
Stripping away the fictional glamour, one finds a picture that stands in stark
contrast to the romantic Hollywood image. The miner’s life, whether working
his own claim or in a larger operation, was rugged, dangerous, often short
and, for many, a nomadic existence that took them from one area to another in
search of riches. For all but a few their arduous labor produced scant reward.
Entertainment was whatever they could make of whatever was at hand and a good
prank or practical joke brought much needed relief from the serious business
of just getting through the day. Not infrequently, their revelry consisted of
exchanging gold dust for a raucous night at one of the many saloons or
gambling halls and, whenever possible, at some unsuspecting person’s
expense.
By 1850 two fraternal
organizations, the Masonic Lodge and the Odd Fellows (IOOF), were well
established in California and virtually all men of influence were members of
either or both of these orders. Both groups were viewed as very strict in
nature with impressive badges of office and formal attire. In short, they
provided little humor and certainly no relief from the arduous task of just
staying alive. In 1851 a group of men at Mokelumne Hill, California, felt
another fraternal organization, one much less serious of nature, was needed
and The Ancient and Honorable Order of E Clampus Vitus, with an avowed
dedication to the protection of "Widows and Orphans", came to life
in the west. Originally, the order was a spoof or mockery of the well known
fraternal orders. But it also recognized a certain absurdity that was so much
a part of their lives and, indeed, had become something that was cherished
whether viewed as an escape or just another thing that had to be endured. One
can only imagine the difficulty in maintaining a serious expression as these
Clampers carried on their satire by addressed each other with lofty sounding
titles of "Noble Grand Humbug", "Clamps Vitrix", "Roisterous
Iscutis", "Royal Gyascutis", "Grand Imperturbable
Hangman". To further their mockery the members bedecked themselves with
badges and self created awards fashioned from tin can lids. The latter became
known as "wearing the tin". Rather than having a strict officialdom,
all members were declared officers with none ranking higher than his fellow
Clampers. Initiates, known as Poor Blind Candidates or PBCs, were subjected to
a withering blast of humiliation and relieved of as much gold dust as possible
which was promptly used to sustain the gathering at the saloon. The PBC was
instantly transformed into a full fledged Clamper. Although there are no
formal uniforms, Clampers today maintain a tradition of wearing red shirts at
their functions as a remembrance of the red union suits of old. And most will
be seen wearing a vest of some sort that is adorned with a multitude badges,
pins and patches. There were no dues then and none are collected today. E
Clampus Vitus is now and has been since its inception a "men only"
organization.
Just how E Clampus Vitus came to
be is a matter of some conjecture and sometimes subject to a variety of
versions and interpretations well suited to the occasion at hand. Legend tells
of its creation in 4004B.C. but most of the supporting historical records and
tablet archives were destroyed in a cataclysmic event many centuries ago when
a huge comet passed near the Earth and wrecked havoc on our planet before
being trapped in our solar system. That catastrophic celestial passing was
described by the late Immanuel Velikovsky in his book "Worlds in
Collision" with the comet identified as what we now know to be the planet
Venus. The surviving records are thought to have been lost in the fire that
destroyed the Great Libraries of Alexandria, Egypt in the third century B.C.
What is know is that in 1845 a tavern, hotel and stable owner in Lewisport,
West Virginia, named Ephriam Bee received a commission authorizing him to
extend the work and influence of the Ancient and Honorable Order of E Clampus
Vitus from the Emperor of China. The commission was handed to Mr. Bee by a Mr.
Caleb Cushing who had returned from China in 1844 while serving the government
in establishing diplomatic and trade relations in the far east. E Clampus
Vitus, or ECV as it is also known, succeeded and flourished where other orders
failed for it was Bee’s belief that any man of upstanding character who was
of age could join, unencumbered by the restrictions of other fraternal
organizations. ECV was brought to California by Mr. Joe Zumwalt in 1849,
although the exact route is subject to debate. One account has Zumwalt leaving
Illinois in March of 1849 and arriving in Sacramento in late October of the
same year. Others believe he left Missouri with a Clamper companion named
W.C.Wright and first settled in Hangtown (later renamed Placerville) before
moving on to what is now properly known as Mokelumne Hill in 1850. Typical
migration routes to the gold fields could have made either or both versions
correct. Regardless of which path Zumwalt took, Mokelumne Lodge Number 1001
first opened its doors in September, 1851. In later years an argument arose
claiming Clamper activity in both Sierra City and Downieville before the
generally accepted beginnings in Mokelumne. No doubt that debate will never be
settled to everyone’s satisfaction.
Clamper membership grew like
wildfire and chapters sprang up nearly everywhere there was mining activity.
Before long it was the largest organization in the Gold Rush country and had
spread to the nearby territories. As noted in Back Roads of California
(Sunset, Lane Publishing), nearly every man was a Clamper and those who
weren’t found themselves on the outside of business and social life.
Itinerant salesmen, known as Drummers or Hawkers, soon learned that Clampers
only did business with other Clampers. It was, after all, a fun loving group
that provided diversion and camaraderie in what was more often than not a
hazardous life.
"The exalted ruler of the
"Clampers," as the members were called, was a mockstern official known as the
Noble Grand Humbug. He was assisted by the Clamps Petrix, The Clamps Matrix,
the Royal Platrix, the Grand Gyascutis, and the Grand Iscutis. In fact, every
Clamper had a title of some sort, and all were held in equal indignity by
their fellows. The ritual greeting between Clampers, according to E Clampus
Vitus historian Carl I. Wheat, was the "raising of both hands to the ears,
with thumbs against ears and fingers extended." The reply was a closed right
fist, with arm raised from the beltline, striking the chest forcibly.
"Everything about E Clampus
Vitus was a jest, a philosophy embodied in the Clamper motto, Credo Quia
Absurdium--take nothing seriously unless it is absurd. Even the name of the
order was a humbug, for E Clampus Vitus has no meaning in true Latin. The
high-spirited miners loved it, for they belonged. Their mascot was a decorated
billy goat, and their banner was a hoop skirt, to which they attached the
words, This is the flag we fight under. In parades they carried a
seven-foot-long Sword of Justice and Mercy, and they toted an equally long "Blunderbusket,"
with a two-inch bore.
"Pranks and practical jokes
abounded, finding victims in members and non-members alike. Soon Joe Zumwalt's
Mokelumne Hill lodge of parody caught on in other camps, and within a few
years other ECV chapters had sprung up throughout California's gold country,
from Yreka in the north to the southern outpost of Mariposa. In 1855, even
Hangtown (by then called Placerville) relented.
"Clamper meetings were held in
the Hall of Comparative Ovations, commonly in the back room of a saloon. They
also met in hotels, dance halls, and if the attendance was too large, in
barns. Some chapters even constructed their own Hall of Comparative Ovations
building. But most met in, as one newspaper put it, "libation emporiums, where
they reached stages of well-being, free from pain and distress."
"The brethren were called
together by the tinny braying of the "hewgag," a big horn sounded in the
street by the Royal Grand Musician. Strict Clamper rules required meetings to
be held "at any time before or after a full moon."
"Much Clamper business involved
taking in new members, called Poor Blind Candidates, and they were really
'taken in.' The only requirement for a membership was a poke of gold dust. The
amount depended upon the candidate's means, and in some cases it was waived
entirely.
"Whenever a new member was to be
inducted, the hewgag brayed and the brothers headed for the Hall of
Comparative Ovations. After all were assembled, the Noble Grand Humbug, the
Clamps Petrix, and the Clamps Matrix, all masked, began the solemn ritual of
initiation, complete with elaborate phony Latin phrasing. The Poor Blind
Candidate--right shoe off, pants leg rolled up, and wearing a blindfold--was
then led into the hall and brought before the Noble Grand Humbug. His Eminence
would ask the nervous candidate a series of questions, after which the
newcomer was led around the hall, stopping at different points where he was
lectured on various Clamper policies and rules. Next he was placed in the
Expungent's Chair, a wheelbarrow padded with a large, cold, wet sponge, and
taken over the Rocky Road to Dublin, a ladder laid on the floor. As the Poor
Blind Candidate bounced over the rungs, the brethren sang out repeatedly, "Ain't
you glad to get out of the wilderness, get out of the wilderness, get out of
the wilderness."
"Upon completion of his "soul
cleansing" ride, the initiate was asked if he believed in the Elevation of
Man. When he said he did, he was immediately lifted onto a saddle and hoisted
by block and tackle to the ceiling. Often the "elevation" was accomplished by
a blanket toss, where the candidate was bounced on a blanket that the brethren
firmly held on all sides.
"Finally, sometimes after
several hours of good-natured torture, the Scales of Darkness--the
blindfold--was removed from the fledgling member, and he was given the sacred
Staff of Relief. Meanwhile, his new comrades sang to him the revered Clamper
ode, "We'll take a drink with you, Dear Brother." And was he ready for one!
After surviving the ritual ceremony, the new member was immediately appointed
Chairman of the Most Important Committee to instill a sense of Clamper self
esteem. With his new title he equaled all his brothers in rank.
"The Noble Grand Humbug then
completed the rite by explaining the importance of the Order's Clampatron, St.
Vitus, and the significance of the Clamper sacred emblem, the Staff of Relief.
He closed by asking the ritual question, "What say the Brethren?" to which the
reply was "Satisfactory!". The initiation was over.
"There were no dues in E Clampus
Vitus, and often the treasury consisted only of the initiation fee put up by
the evening's inductee, which was immediately converted to liquid assets for
the refreshment of the assemblage. Because the Hall of Comparative Ovations
was usually a saloon, the barkeep often had the drinks dispensed before the
Scales of Darkness came off the Poor Blind Candidate.
"In Mokelumne Hill, where it all
started, Van Pelt's saloon served as a Hall of Comparative Ovations until
George Leger became a Clamper and opened his hotel to the braying of the
hewgag. In Ione, Ringer's saloon was where the Clampers met. In Amador City it
was Mooney's, and in Georgetown, Clamper-saloonkeeper Pat Lynch hosted the
raucous meetings. The Noble Grand Humbug E.H. Van Decor presided over the
Georgetown gatherings in 1856 until a fire swept away that sacred Hall and
most of the town. Stevens' Young America Saloon in Jackson was a Hall of
Comparative Ovations and Al Dudley was the Noble Grand Humbug in 1861. In the
booming gold rush town of Columbia there were two Clamper Halls in the 1850's:
Soderer and Marshall's drinking emporium, later called the Stage Driver's
Retreat, and Albert Aberdeen's saloon, where the Clampers met downstairs in
Darling's Oyster Parlor.
"As the popularity of E Clampus
Vitus grew, Clamper lodges formed in nearly every town in the California
mining districts. Many community leaders and business owners found it to their
advantage to join the Order and follow the bray of the hewgag, for Clampers
were loyal and tended to vote for their brothers and trade in Clamper-owned
establishments. Besides, there was refreshing if ironic honesty in the Clamper
philosophy. By the mid-1850's, E Clampus Vitus numbered among its brethren
such worthies as judges, senators, state assemblymen, newspapermen, sheriffs,
bankers, and mayors, as well as scores of lawyers and doctors.
"When E Clampus Vitus was in
full bloom, from the mid-1850's to about 1870, it was not unusual to find
towns almost closing down at the call of the hewgag. Shops, banks, saloons,
homes--and placer diggings--were temporarily abandoned when the summons of the
sacred clarion shattered the stillness of the air. Indeed many mining towns in
the Mother Lode, such as Downieville, Placerville, and Sierra City had more
Clampers in residence than all the members of the serious lodges combined.
Over the years, the secret Clamper grip passed between thousands of hands,
even extending over the Sierras in 1859 to Nevada's Comstock Lode silver
mines.
"Some of the enlightened, having
the Scales of Darkness removed in the Hall of Comparative Ovations, were names
not lost to history. Philip D. Armour, the Auburn and Placerville butcher who
would later found on of the world's largest meat-packing firms, was a Clamper,
as was John Mohler Studebaker, who made the wheelbarrows for Mother Lode
miners in the 1850's. When he had saved enough money, Studebaker joined his
brothers in their Indiana wagon shop and lived to manufacture the first
gasoline-powered Studebaker auto in 1904. John Hume, lawyer, well-known state
assemblyman, and brother of famed Wells Fargo Chief Detective James Hume, was
a member of E Clampus Vitus' Placerville and Coloma lodges.
"Also a young newspaperman named
Sam Clemens, who lived for a time at the Jackass Hill diggings near Angels
Camp, was a brother of E Clampus Vitus. There, on a cold January day in 1865,
the fun-loving journalist heard someone relate a funny anecdote about a
frog-jumping contest. A few months later, Mark Twain wrote The Celebrated
Jumping Frog of Calavaras County and found fame overnight.
"The Clampers also claimed
Ulysses S. Grant, J. Pierpont Morgan, Horace Greeley and Horatio Alger as
members. All of these historic figures visited the California gold rush
country, but it is doubtful that they were ever really Clampers. Some Clamper
membership claims are certainly suspect, such as Solomon, the Ceasars, Henry
VIII, Sir Francis Drake, George Washington, Andrew Jackson, and even Adam
himself, the alleged first Clampatriarch.
"In its lapses from buffoonery
the Ancient and Honorable Order of E Clampus Vitus showed a benevolent side.
Frequently, and quietly, the brethren performed charitable acts, and though
they would whimsically state that the purpose of their society was to "care
for widows and orphans, particularly the widows," the ECV was widely lauded
for valuable services to the needy. They sponsored benefit shows and other
fund-raising events for the sick and the destitute, with no hoaxes involved.
And when the Mother Lode was struck with disaster, such as fires and floods
that devastated whole towns, the Clampers were among the first to lend a hand
with rescues and rebuilding. They were jokesters, but good citizens as well.
"The strength and spirit of E
Clampus Vitus began fading by the 1890's as the miners drifted away. The last
Clamper meeting in Sierra City was in 1907, and the hewgag brayed for the last
time at Quincy in 1916.
One should never overlook the
fact that the Clampers were in fact a highly respected and honored
organization. In spite of their well deserved reputation as hard drinking
pranksters, there was a benevolent serious side to their activity. Caring for
the "Widows and Orphans" of miners was more than a mere slogan.
Indeed, E Clampus Vitus was by far the largest charitable organization of the
time and certainly the only one assisting the families of killed or injured
miners. Mining accidents and injuries were common. A man killed or injured and
unable to work left an almost instantly destitute family. In many cases gifts
of money or food mysteriously appeared but the donor was always anonymous. In
other instances the widow, or "widder" as they were known,
discovered some unnamed person had made the mortgage or rent payments and
saved her and the children from homelessness in a hostile land. Clamper
charity was unique in that, with few exceptions, it was always done
anonymously, quietly and without fanfare although there was rarely any
question as to the benefactor’s true identity.
The heyday of western mining and
the wild life that accompanied it lasted actually less than thirty years
before starting to decline. Thriving communities saw their population dwindle
from the thousands to the hundreds or less and many were abandon altogether.
The decrepit ruins of these ghost town stand today as a stark reminder of an
age gone by. With the decline of mining activity the popularity of E Clampus
Vitus also faded until in 1910 there was only one chapter, in Marysville,
California, still functioning. By 1930 the order was all but extinct and had
become just another useless relic of the past confined to history.
Not long after the order was
declared dead and buried, a group of California historians lead by Carl Wheat,
George Ezra Dane and Leon O. Whitsell became interested in the many references
to Clamper activity found in old newspaper articles and letters. They also
shared a belief that a significant part of California and U.S. history was
being lost in the frantic pace of the twentieth century. Resuscitating the
Order of E Clampus Vitus seemed a proper vehicle to commemorate and preserve
that history. Through their efforts and assisted by Mr. Adam Lee Moore, the
last known survivor of the old Clamper days, the order was revived with the
incorporation of a chapter in San Francisco known as Yerba Buena Number 1. The
chapter was christened "Capitulus Redivivus E Clampus Vitus", or
Revived Capital of E Clampus Vitus, in 1931 and the modern era of Clamperdom
had begun. Yerba Buena was followed in 1934 by Platrix Chapter 2 in Los
Angeles. Then came Lord Sholto Douglas Chapter 3 and Quivira Chapter 4.
Sometime after 1936 it was determined that numbering chapters in consecutive
order constituted a flagrant violation of the spirit of absurdity that was
such an important aspect of the original Clamper activity. From that time on
new chapters took whatever name and number seemed fitting. The mining camp
originally named Pair-O-Dice had been incorporated and changed its official
name to Paradise and is the home of aptly named Pair-O-Dice Chapter 7-11.
Arroyo Grande, located midway between San Francisco (Chapter 1) and Los
Angeles (Chapter 2) is home to De La Guerra y Pacheco Chapter 1.5 while we in
Elko belong to Lucinda Jane Saunders Chapter 1881. In all there are now over
forty chapters in California, Nevada, Utah, Arizona, Oregon and Colorado. And
one must not forget the offshore Floating Wang Chapter or the Cyber-Wang
Chapter 68040/48.1 located in cyberspace.
Modern day E Clampus Vitus
combines a dedication to preserving western and mining history with a never
ending quest for fun. And, lest we be untrue to our heritage, a liberal dash
of the absurd is added for good measure. In both California and Nevada the
Clampers are the largest historical organization. We have erected many hundred
historical markers and plaques to commemorate sites, people and events that
played a role in our western heritage but might otherwise be lost or
forgotten. Many of these plaques are recorded in state and national
registries. Before a plaque is erected the subject is clearly identified,
documented and researched. The research work alone, often taking a year or
more to complete, involves many people spending long hours digging through
libraries, official records, newspaper files and interviewing people. The work
is, of course, voluntary. A single large cast bronze plaque, typical of that
used, frequently cost a thousand dollars or more to erect.
Following such a dedication, or
Plaquing as it is called, there is a traditional party still called a doin’s.
As one writer noted, these party gatherings of red shirted pranksters wearing
vests covered with pins, medals, ribbons and badges lead to the
organization’s reputation as either a "Historical Drinking
Society" or a "Drinking Historical Society". While there is no
denial that distilled and fermented beverages freely flow, the group is
officially and vehemently opposed to public intoxication and require that
those who partake have a "Brother of sobriety holding the reins".
Becoming a Clamper is not an
easy task. Certainly a man may express a desire but he must be invited.
Clearly, the prospect must have a genuine interest in western history. Other
requirements have been listed as a good sense of humor, a relatively thick
skin, a cast iron stomach, an open mind, a flare for the ridiculous, and an
appreciation of absurdity. If the invitation is accepted, the candidate is
presented by his sponsor at a doin’s and must survive a time honored ritual
at the hands of the Grand Imperturbable Hangman. It is also important to know
that an invitation is only given once. If refused it is never tendered again.
But who, we ask, would refuse such an honor? After all, among our members are
college professors, truckers, U.S. Presidents, clerics, sheriffs, mechanics,
miners, judges, laborers, pilots, bartenders, senators, carpenters, lawyers,
plumbers, entrepreneurs, authors and just about anything else you could think
of. Each treated the same or, as we say, "with equal indignity". In
the words of a noted Brother, "Clampers are not made, they are born. Like
gold, they just have to be discovered."
E Clampus Vitus
Initiatory Ritual
Introduction
Here followeth the true, authentic and clampotent Order and
Ritual of Initiation, the sole and solitary Ceremonial and Liturgy of THE
ANCIENT AND HONORABLE ORDER OF E CLAMPUS VITUS, carefully compiled,
ostentatiously elaborated and prayerfully purged of both egregious error and
hateful heterodoxy, to be celebrated and auspidously performed by and before
the Brethren at the Imperishable Hall of Comparative Ovations, before or after
the Full Moon, whenever the Bray of the Hewgag shall announce unto them the
opportune appearance in the Diggins of some Poor Sightless Sucker, ripe for
immolation on the Order’s effulgent Altar of Sacrifice.
Nihil Obstat G.N.R.
Imprimatur N.G.H.
The
Order of Initiatory Functionaries
N.G.H. The Noble Grand Humbug
C.
The Clampatriarch
G.N.R. The Grand Noble Recorder
G.I.H. The Grand Imperturbable Hangman
G.M. The Grand Musician
R.I. The Roisterous Iscutis
R.P. The Royal Platrix
C.P. The Clamps Petrix
C.M. The Clamps Matrix
C.V. The Clamps Vitrix
D.F.D. #1 Damfool Doorkeeper Number One
D.F.D. #2 Damfool Doorkeeper Number Two
The
Schedule of Initiatory Clampedimenta
All Initiatory Functionaries shall be suitably robed and hatted.
They shall be hirsutely adorned and shall bear Clamparaphanalia as follows:
N.G.H. Bushy red beard; the Leather Medal and the
Clampregnant Scepter.
C. Long white beard; the Ineffable Staff of
Relief.
G.N.R. Effulgent sideburns; the Great Charter borne
upon a pillow.
G.I.H. Bushy black mustachios; the
Chain of Punishment.
G.M. Heavy black beard; the Horrendous Hewgag.
R.I. Grey goatee.
R.P. Red beard and mustache.
C.P. Red beard; long white candle.
C.M. Red beard; long white candle.
C.V. Bushy grey beard; the Corruscated
Candelabrum.
D.F.D. #1 Massive mustachios; the Blunderbusket.
D.F.D. #2 Massive mustachios; the
Sword-of-Mercy-tempered-with-Justice.
The
Scene and Settings of the Ceremony
At the horrendous Sound of the Hewgag, all Brethren of E
Clampus Vitus, casting aside whatsoever other task or onus, will seasonably
assemble within the Hall of Comparative Ovations, whereupon and wherein—at the
behest of the Noble Grand Humbug—the Brethren and Functionaries will assume
their traditional posts, as follows:
At the head of the Chamber will stand the NOBLE GRAND HUMBUG,
with the CLAMPATRIARCH and GRAND NOBLE RECORDER upon his right hand, and the
GRAND MUSICIAN and CLAMPS VITRIX upon his left. Halfway down the left side of
the Chamber will stand the ROYAL PLATRIX, opposite whom will stand the
ROISTEROUS SCUTIS. At either side of the Portal, at the far end of the
Chamber, will stand the two DAM FOOL DOORKEEPERS, each leaning upon his
respective Clamparaphanalium.
Without the closed Portal will stand the CLAMPS PETRIX and the
CLAMPS MATRIX, their candles lit, together with the GRAND IMPERTURBABLE
HANGMAN, in whose custody will be the miserable bodies of such POOR BLIND
CANDIDATES for admission to the Order as may then and there be mustered for
sacrifice, with Bewildering Blindfolds securely affixed before their eyes.
The remaining host of CLAMPERS will assume such posts within
the Chamber as the NOBLE GRAND HUMBUG may direct, at all times maintaining
seemly decorum. At the HUMBUG’s behest the lights will be lowered, the candles
of the Corruscated Candelabrum will be lit, and due solemnity will suffuse the
Chamber.
The
Order and Liturgy of Initiation
N.G.H. raps with his Clampregnant Scepter for order.
N.G.H.:
Let there be Order in the Hall of Comparative Ovations.
Let
all the Brethren maintain seemly decorum.
N.G.H. solemnly raps again three times.
Grand
Musician, sound the Hewgag.
G.M. stentoriously sounds the Hewgag.
Grand
Noble Recorder, what is the occasion of this riotous assemblage?
G.M.R.:
Noble Grand Humbug, without yon impenetrable portal there attend certain
Supine Suckers, without honor, shame or sense, who have nevertheless signified
their aspiration to become members—even Brothers—of our Ancient and Honorable
Order.
N.G.H.:
Have these brazen individuals made fitting and appropriate supplication?
G.V.R.:
Verily, sir, they have.
N.G.H.:
Have they deposited the prescribed treasure?
G.N.R.:
Their gold dust is securely within our custody.
N.G.H.:
Are they attended by the Clamp Functionaries thereunto privileged?
G.V.R.:
They are indeed.
N.G.H.:
Clamps Vitrix, have these pitiable wretches been duly interrogated?
C.V.:
Verily, sir, they have.
N.G.H.:
And are their responses satisfactory?
C.V.:
Such, sir, is the report I have received.
C.:
Well, sons, what the Heck are we waiting for?
N.G.H.:
Yea, Brethren, what might in anywise necessitate delay?
G.N.R.:
Naught, sire, save the Hewgag’s mournful Bray.
C.:
In due course
let her Bray, but first make due obeisance to him from whose unpublished, nay
unwritten words, arises our Brotherhood’s Clampotent liturgy—Our Worthy Patron
Vitus.
All Functionaries bow and tip hats. N.G.H. raps thrice with his
scepter.
N.G.H.:
Rise, Brethren of E Clampus Vitus.
All rise.
C.:
Repeat after me—HAIL VITUS, NOBLE CLAMPATRON.
ALL:
HAIL VITUS, NOBLE CLAMPATRON.
C.:
Give unto him the Sign of the Well Jackass. All
give the sign with vigor.
N.G.H.:
Let us repeat his words—CREDO QUIA ABSURDUM. I believe because it is absurd.
ALL:
CREDO QUIA ABSURDUM. I believe because it is absurd.
N.G.H.:
And our benevolent motto—PER CARITATE VIDUARIBUS.
ALL:
PER CARITATE VIDUARIBUS.
N.G.H.:
ORPHANIBUSQUE.
ALL:
ORPHANIBUSQUE.
N.G.H.:
SED PRIME VIDUARIBUS.
ALL:
SED PRIME
VIDUARIBUS.
N.G.H.:
For the benefit of widows and orphans, but more especially of widows.
Let us
repeat the majestic Password—THE HEWGAG BRAYS.
ALL:
THE HEWGAG BRAYS.
N.G.H.:
And the memorable Response—BEFORE OR AFTER THE FULL MOON.
ALL:
BEFORE OR AFTER THE FULL MOON.
N.G.H.:
Brethren of E Clampus Vitus, it is for you to signify whether the Hewgag shall
be sounded and these miscreant malefactors immolated. What say the Brethren?
ALL:
Satisfactory!
G.N.R.:
And so recorded.
N.G.H.:
Royal Musician, the Brethren have spoken. Sound the Hewgag.
G.M. vociferously sounds the Hewgag.
Damfool Doorkeepers, throw open the Portal and let these emaciated s—o—b—s in.
The D.F.D.’s open the Portal, whereupon enter C.P. and C.M.,
with lighted candles, followed by G.I.H., clanking his chain, and thereafter
the assembled P.B.C’s., marching two-by-two. The C.P. and C.M., followed by
G.J.H., escort the P.B.C.’s. slowly and solemnly three times about the
Chamber, the assembled Clampers meanwhile mournfully chanting the Order’s
Official Chant of Doom. At last the procession halts before the N.G.H.
N.G.H.:
Grand Imperturbable Hangman, who are these grotesque impotents you thus parade
before us?
G.I.H.:
They are Poor Blind Candidates, O Humbug, who have long groped in Darkness,
and who now yearn to see the light by admission into the Ancient and Honorable
Order of E Clampus Vitus.
All Functionaries bow and tip hats.
N.G.H.:
Roisterous Iscutis, what say you to this importunity?
R.I.:
They seem lost in darkness, but I say let the Suckers in if they can pass the
tests.
N.G.H.:
And you, Royal Platrix, what is your clampotent judgment?
R.P.:
I say let the Clampastards have it.
N.G.H:
What say the Brethren?
ALL:
Satisfactory!
G.N.R.:
And so recorded.
N.G.H.:
Clamps Petrix, have you anything to add?
C.P.:
Oh, horrors of Humbuggery!
N.G.H.:
And you, Clamps Matrix?
C.M.:
Oh, wonderment of widows yet unwon!
N.G.H.:
And you, Clamps Vitrix?
C.V.:
Oh, joys of Californication!
All Functionaries bow and tip hats.
N.G.H.:
Well said, my Brethren. Hangman, conduct these withered souls to the
Roisterous Iscutis for appropriate examination.
While the Brethren chant, G.J.H., assisted by C.P. and C.M.,
conduct P.B.C’s. about the Chamber, finally halting before R.I.
G.J.H.:
O wise Iscutis, I and my official coadjutors bring to the Altar of Sacrifice
these Poor Blind Candidates who have long groped in darkness. Prithee,
interrogate them.
R.I.:
Answer me these queries in a loud voice. Where were you born?
From
what state or Country did you emigrate to California?
Do you
belong to any secret organizations of a benevolent, political or otherwise
outrageous character?
Are
you at this time afflicted with any loathsome hallucinations of grandeur?
Have
you irrevocably obtained your own consent to take the step you now seem
determined to take?
Noble
Grand Humbug, these seem likely Candidates.
N.G.H.:
What say the Brethren?
ALL:
Satisfactory!
G.N.R.:
And so recorded.
N.G.H.:
Conduct them now to the Royal Platrix for counsel and instruction.
While the Brethren chant, G.I.H., assisted by C.P. and C.M.,
conduct P.B.C.’s. about the Chamber, finally halting before R.P.
G.J.H.:
Royal and revered Platrix, to you these purblind individuals look for guidance
and admonition.
R.P.:
Strangers, you are now in the Hall of Comparative Ovations of the Ancient and
Honorable Order of E Clampus Vitus, an Order founded by the Patriarchs of Old
and coeval with the human race; an Order whose significance has been illumined
by some of the greatest names of history, ancient, mediaeval and modern. Our
first Clampatriarch was Adam, who absconded from the Garden of Eden with the
seeds and symbols of our Order hidden beneath his figlike apron, while Eve,
our first Honorary Widow, sedulously abetted and ecstatically assisted his
every impulsive Act.
All Functionaries bow and tip hats.
From
such relics and reminders of that first blissful state of man all the
subsequent glories of our Noble Order have indubitably sprung.
N.G.H.:
What say the Brethren?
ALL:
Satisfactory!
G.N.R.:
And so recorded.
R.P.:
Founded thus by Adam and brought to incredible perfection by our exalted
Patron Vitus, the Order’s Clamphilosophy was early spread to the very ends of
the earth by the Vituscan Missionaries. Into the land of California the
Order’s truths were long ago insinuated by that clampotent Oriental Sage and
Navigator, none other than the redoubtable Low Hung Whang, who was at all
times assisted by his delightsome and clampfertile concubine, Hop Me,
All Functionaries bow and tip hats.
for
love of whom he finally died debilitated, leaving the bewitching Hop Me to
follow Eve as Honorary Widow.
All Functionaries bow and tip hats.
N.G.H.:
What say the Brethren?
ALL:
Satisfactory!
G.N.R.:
And so recorded.
C.P.:
Oh, horrors of humbuggery!
C.M..:
Oh, wondernent of widows yet unwon!
C.K.:
Oh, joys of Californication!
R.P.:
Consider well, therefore, the magnitude of the step you seem ignominiously
determined to take, and while there is yet time, should scruples intervene
between your apparently fixed purpose and the mystery of the darkness into
which you now seek to penetrate—WITHDRAW.
Answer
me categorically— do you, or do you not, still desire to become a brother of
the Order of E Clampus Vitus?
P.B.C.’s:
We do.
N.C.H.:
Hangman, conduct these obstinate individuals once again to the Roisteous
Iscutis for further counsel.
While the brethren chant, G.I.H., assisted by C.P. and C.M.,
conduct P.B.C.’s about the Chamber, finally halting before R.I.
R.I.:
Candidates, poor and blind though you still are, you have already learned of
Vitus and of Low Hung Whang. But this Ancient and Honorable Brotherhood can
never forget our valiant yet clampitiable martyr, Brother Dumbellicus, who,
when set upon by the comely Priestesses of Venus, chained prone upon a bed of
orchids and palpitatingly attacked by one of the most luscious and lascivious
of women, rose manfully to the occasion—and bit off his tongue, thus retaining
inviolate his pristine virtue. Should you, poor devils that you appear to be,
successfully survive the ordeals that now await you, you will do well to
emulate the perils and pastimes that beset Dumbellicus. And now, Grand
Imperturbable Hangman, conduct these poor blind candidates to the Noble Grand
Humbug for words of wisdom anent the mysteries and secrets of E.C.V.
While the Brethren chant, G.I.R.,
assisted by C.P. and C.M., conduct R.B.C.’s. about the Chamber, finally
halting before the N.G.H.
N.G.H.:
You are now about to be initiated into the Ancient and Honorable Order of E
Clampus Vitus, through the instrumentality of its imposing and solemn
ceremonies. Incredible as it may appear to you, this venerable institution has
been held in admiration and esteem by great and good men since that time
whereof the memory of man wotteth not to the contrary—not only by Adam, our
original Clampatriarch, and by Low Hung Whang, of whom you have heard, but by
George Washington, Thomas Jefferson, Henry Clay, Kit Carson and the late
lamented Emperor Norton All Functionaries bow and
tip hats—to mention but a few of the illustrious host—while in
California the Order has been revered and respected since the earliest days of
the American era.
In
those early days, Chapters of this Order sprang up like wildfire and
flourished from end to end of the diggins. Even today, once each year, on the
anniversary of his discovery of gold at Sutter’s Mill, our erstwhile
Clampatriarch, James W. Marshall, turns over in his grave no less than three
times and gives the Clamper sign. To him, and to all things memorable of those
elder days, we adjure your admiration and interest. I need hardly add that in
California the Order has risen to its highest glory and has made its deepest
impression on mankind.
C.:
What say the Brethren?
ALL:
Satisfactory!
G.N.R.:
And so recorded.
C.P.:
Oh, horrors of humbuggery!
C.M.:
Oh, wonderment of widows yet unwon!
C.K.:
Oh, joys of Californication!
N.G.H.:
You have been instructed as to the venerability and significance of E Clampus
Vitus in order that you may observe and perform its ceremonies with due
understanding and becoming decorum, knowing that you are about to follow in
the footsteps of so many great and upright men. Our ceremony, in which you
shall now partake, may be traced far into ancient times, and its Ordeals
represent significant epochs in world history. Of these Ordeals there are
three, to which all candidates must submit.
Are
you ready to do so?
P.B.C.’s:
We are.
N.G.H.:
The first Ordeal is PASTORAL. Our worthy and Roisterous Iscutis, Grand Farmer
of the Order, will place in front of each of you a reaping hook of olden
times, ground to the sharpness of a razor. Each reaping hook will be set
eighteen inches from the floor, and it will be necessary for each of you to
step over it with your left leg.
When
the order is given, step high and clear, for it is a bad omen if blood be
drawn.
Roisterous Iscutis, proceed with the first Ordeal.
R.I.:
Each Poor Blind Candidate will roll up his left pant-leg. Then, step high as I
count. One, two; step.
N.G.H.:
Royal Platrix, as our Grand Surgem, will you advance and ascertain whether
blood has been drawn.
R.P. examines P.B.C.’s.
R.P.:
The report is negative. No blood, no gore, no claret, not a single drop, Noble
Grand Humbug.
N.G.H.:
What say the Brethren?
ALL:
Satisfactory!
G.N.R.:
And so recorded.
N.G.H.:
Our second Ordeal is MARTIAL. It is the march—instituted by King Saul when he
commanded David to take his musicians and march up and down in front of the
armies of Israel before he slew Goliath—even as you will now march up and down
in the presence of these assembled Brethren.
Grand
Musician, provide these Candidates with martial strains.
G.M. sounds Hewgag in march time, and P.B.C.’s execute several
steps in place.
What
say the Brethren?
ALL:
Satisfactory!
G.N.R.:
And so recorded.
N.G.H.:
Our third Ordeal is SENSUAL. You will dance as King David danced after he had
committed the heinous sin with Ukiah's wife. It was a rampant and tempestuous
dance, passionate, heedless and impetuous.
You
will now execute this celebrated dance before the assembled Brethren.
Grand
Musician, provide them with the appropriate strains.
G.M. sounds Hewgag in jazzetime, while P.B.C.’s dance in place.
What
say the Brethren?
ALL:
Satisfactory
G.N.R.:
And so recorded.
N.G.H.:
Clamps Vitrix, you will now propound the fateful queries. Give truthful
answers under pain of mortal obloquy and odium.
C.V.:
Will you feed the hungry?
P.B.C.’s respond.
Will
you clothe the naked?
P.B.C.’s respond.
Will
you be a father to the orphan?
P.B.C.’s respond.
Will
you be a husband to the widow?
P.B.C.’s respond.
Will
you at all times emulate the glorious example of our martyred Brother
Dumbellicus, and if you should find your virtue weakening—bite off your
tongue?
P.B.C.’s respond.
Would
you, if you were in the desert without water and espied a wild ass and were
fortunate enough to catch her—would you mount her, knowing full well
she did not belong to you?
P.B.C.’s respond.
N.G.H.:
What say the Brethren?
ALL:
Satisfactory!
G.N.R.:
And so recorded.
N.G.H.:
Grand Hangman, escort these candidates to the Royal Platrix and remove the
blinders from their respective eyes.
G.I.H. does so, assisted by C.P. and C.M.
Royal
Platrix, it is now your privilege to reveal to these no longer blind
candidates the enigmatic secrets of our Ancient and Honorable Order.
R.P.:
Candidates, will you hold these revelations inviolate?
Candidates respond in the affirmative.
Then,
standing as you now stand, in the presence of these assembled Brethren, and
before that Power which alone can fully disclose to you the profoundest
secrets of our Order, you will each repeat after me this solemn pledge.
I do
aver Repeated
by Candidates
On my
honor as a man Repeated
That I
will not disclose Repeated
To man
Repeated
Woman
Repeated
Child
Repeated
Or
Widow Repeated
Either
verbally Repeated
In
writing Repeated
Or by
gesticulation of any part of my body Repeated
The
secrets Repeated
Signs
Repeated
Or
passwords of this Order Repeated
Or the
wonders of any portion thereof Repeated
Now to
be disclosed to my view. Repeated
N.G.H.:
What say the Brethren?
ALL:
Satisfactory!
G.N.R.:
And so recorded.
R.P.:
The Grand Imperturbable Hangman will now instruct you in the Order’s signs and
passwords.
G.I.H.:
When you wish to enter a Hall of Comparative Ovations, signify your desire by
knocking three times on the outer door thus He
raps three times and clanks his chain, thereupon giving the
password to be revealed to you hereafter.
If you
meet a person in the street, or anywhere outside a Hall of Comparative
Ovations, and wish to ascertain whether he is a Brother of this illustrious
Order, signify your own membership by placing your right thumb next to your
person, preferably your ear, describing a semicircle with your fingers.
He illustrates.
Imitate my example. They do.
If the
person thus accosted responds with a similar sign, you may be assured that he
is a Brother of the Order.
Now
for the secret sign, given only to a Brother Clamper known to you as such, as
you approach one another. It is the symbol of the Well Jackass.
He gives the sign.
Imitate my example. They do.
There
is still another secret sign, known as the sign of distress, and while no
widows are apt to respond to it, it will at all times and places bring Brother
Clampers from far and near to your assistance. It is the symbol of the Ill
Jackass.
He gives the sign.
Imitate my example. They do.
It is
my fervent hope that fate will never demand that you shall ever again be
constrained to display this distressing sign.
C.:
Amen!
G.I.H.:
Our secret password is to be guarded with the utmost care. It I shall now
reveal: THE HEWGAG BRAYS.
The G.M. sounds the Hew gag.
Repeat
the password.
P.B.C.’s:
THE HEWGAG BRAYS.
G.I.H.:
To this there exists a still more secret reply. Guard it with all possible
virility, for it is: BEFORE OR AFTER THE FULL MOON.
Repeat
these mystic words.
P.B.C.’s:
BEFORE OR AFTER THE FULL MOON.
G..I.H.:
Noble Grand Humbug, it is for you to afford these candidates the final honor.
N.G.H.:
Nothing remains, my new-found Brothers, to complete your initiation into our
Ancient and Honorable Order’s mysteries, save for you to receive from your
Brethren the ineffable Staff of Relief—a rite reserved for those alone who
have successfully survived these arduous Ordeals and who have been instructed
in the Order’s secrets. But first, I ask you to stand reverently before our
worshipful Clampatriarch, whose words you should mark well and venerate.
C.:
Strangers ye are no more, my sons. When first you entered this horrendous
Hall, I pondered to myself what manner of dubious devotees be these who huddle
thus before me. Later, after you had successfully passed the three arduous
Ordeals, I found my virtue weakening and started to bite off my tongue. I was
saved from that ignominious fate only by the manner in which you manfully
mastered the signs and passwords of the Order, and thereupon I became
convinced that you might well be entrusted with its innermost secrets.
My
sons, I am deeply gratified that such is the consequence of these, our ancient
ceremonials. Figuratively, therefore, I embrace you and welcome you to our
Symbolic Brotherhood.
However, there is yet another secret, not as yet revealed to your ken—the
secret of the words E Clampus Vitus From time to time persons not privileged
to enter this Hall of Comparative Ovations will ask of you the meaning of
these mystic words. Answer them truthfully, “I do not know,” for to no one,
not even to me, has their significance been unveiled. This, then, is the
magnificent and innermost secret—the secret of the meaning of our Ancient and
Honorable Order’s name and style—which secret, I pray you, keep ever
inviolate.
If at
any time you, or any of you, should be struck by the paucity of information
that has come down to us of the Order’s present Dispensation in respect of the
doings and carryings on of the Brethren of yore, you have but to recall that
during the Conclaves of our earlier Brethren no one was ever in any condition
to take the minutes, and that after the conclusion of such assemblages no one
could ever remember what had happened. Be assured, however, that this
lamentable predicament applies no longer within this fraternal circle. Today,
by solemn Decree, each Clamper has been constituted Chairman of the Order’s
Most Important Committee, and with responsibility thus adroitly divided our
history will indubitably survive.
Consider well, therefore, your responsibilities in the important post to which
you thus will shortly be promoted. Consider also your weighty responsibilities
under our Majestic Constitution, the sublimity of which is evidenced by the
fact that, though it affords the most harmoniously possible fundament for our
achievements, it contains but two brief Articles, to wit:
ARTICLE I. All members are Officers.
ARTICLE II. All offices are of equal Indignity.
And
now it is my privilege to state that though merriment frequently surrounds our
esoteric conclaves, there is a far more weighty and impressive side which
should never be neglected. For we of E C V are gathered as well to revere the
past, to delve into the doings of the early days, to discover the truths of
our Californian background, and to recall the Brethren of the elder days. It
is for this reason, and to symbolize this aspect of our fraternal efforts,
that we have raised throughout the diggins divers monuments to the forgotten
miners and to our illustrious Brothers of old. Let them never be neglected by
E Clampus Vitus!
And
now for the Ceremony of Passing the Staff of Relief, by means of which alone
full admission to the Order may be gained.
Steel
your nerves, O embryonic Brethren, for there is more to this than ye yet wot.
Hangman, advance and receive from me the Staff.
G.I.H. advances. C. raps with the Staff three times upon the
floor.
This, sir, is the Staff of Relief. What shall I do
with it?
ALL:
Pass it on to the next Brother.
C.:
It is prepared, ready and annointed. Proceed, sir, with this final immutable
rite and ceremony.
G.I.H. takes the Staff and faces P.B.C.’s. From them C.P. and
C.M. select five who, with C.P., C.M. and G.I.H., now form a circle in the
censer of the Chamber, one of the P.B.C.’s; being upon the right hand of G.I.H.
N.G.H.:
What say the Brethren?
ALL:
Satisfactory!
G.N.R.:
And so recorded.
G.I.H.:
Brothers, you are now joined in the unscrutible circle of E C V, and this, my
newfound Brethren, is the ineffable Staff of Relief. It is of ancient origin.
Note well its symbolic contours. Three times it shall be passed about this
circle. Three times each Brother shall hold it, reverently, within his hands,
to the end that each of you may personally have opportunity to draw from it
its mystic power, may note its fraternal function and may determine your
ability to handle it properly.
Pay
close attention, for it is the privilege and duty of all good Clampers to be
proficient in the passing of this Staff. I will rap with it three times upon
the floor thus.
He raps three times and faces the P.B.C. to his right.
Then I
will say to you, “This is the Staff of Relief. What shall I do with it?” To
which all others who stand within this circle shall stentoriously reply, “Pass
it on to the next Brother.” And soon, each to the other, three times about the
unscrutible circle. Take the Staff in your hands, Brother. Tremble no more.
Face him who stands upon your right hand, rap three times upon the floor and
repeat the words of which I have advised you. I shall again perform the rite
and place the Staff in your waiting hands.
And
remember, it must three times be passed about the entire circle.
He does so, and they follow, even unto the final denouement.
The ceremony of initiation is thus concluded with the passing of the Staff of
Relief, and each newly-accepted Brother may now affix his name and style to
the Great Register of the Order.
SELAH!
